Reassemble the Puzzle

Early December 26, 2022 my second son, Winston Kenneth Newton Jr., a husband, a brother and a friend to many  entered into eternal rest. He was the sweetest, and most attentive son a mother could have. My heart was broken. My family circle was once again broken. Then this morning an analogy came to mind. 

Picture a puzzle when it is all put together in its entirety. The man who put the puzzle together takes a piece and puts it on another table. In between the tables there is a gap, a separation. Then he takes another piece and puts it on the other table recreating the  puzzle and keeps doing this until the puzzle is put together again in its entirety on the other table.. 

This is what we want to happen with our family’s puzzle when someone transitions.  We want the pieces of our family, our puzzle to be reassembled on the other side. We  want to be a  complete permanent picture again.  My  prayer is to make sure all  my family puzzle pieces get to the other side and that none of them are missing. 

Spiritually speaking to get to the other side, God’s heaven, Jesus’ home, we must have a transporter in between those tables.  The person who bridges the gap for us is the Lord Jesus Christ. None of us can get over that gap by ourselves. Getting 99.2%  across that gap will not do. The  Word of God says in the Book of Romans chapter 3 verse 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  In other words we need someone to  transport us all the way over to the next table. 

I must be 100% reassured that I am safely getting to the other side. Jesus said in the Book of John chapter 14 verse 6  “I am the way the truth and the life. No one goes to the Father but by me.”  In other words, unequivocally, we will not get to the other side by any other way. If we have connected in anyway you are a part of my puzzle here on earth. Like my son, Winston,  I want to see you on the other side. 

When Moses Died None of God Died!

Two of the most expensive and extravagant items in the Believers Clothes Closet  are the Garment of Praise and the Garment of Joy.  Why?  In order to obtain them one has to go through the valley of  sorrow, and mourning. 

In that ravine it seems like grief will never stop.  Pain is a constant companion. One of my dear friends described it as feeling as if a knife was stuck in her heart. Upon the unexpected transition of my dear husband of thirty-two years, I had to make that desolate journey across death's valley. I  found out that the pointed blade struck a deep place in my heart.  There seemed to be no solace for the emotional, physical or mental discomfort I felt.

I bless my Mother Evelyn’s  memory.  She would call me on the phone from the East Coast and encourage me by saying, “Tricia, you can make it.”  If I was going to make it across I needed a strategy. Therefore every morning before my feet hit the floor I would play two songs. One was, “Great Is Thy Faithfulness.”  The phrase “Morning by morning new mercies I see,” fortified my spirit and will to keep going. The other song was ,”This Is the Day the Lord Has Made.”  I started to reason that if God made this day and I was here to see it, I should get up and get going.  Along the arduous and  tedious journey to healing I made halting progress towards the daylight. 

Somewhere along the days, months and years I started to make exchanges from my widows weeds to a different set of apparel I had to be willing to change and let go of my suffering. I had to be willing to keep moving and not get stuck in that sorrowful place. With the blessing and mercy of God here are the trades* of which I took advantage that are available to all who have hope in God

Beauty                      For ashes

Joy                            For mourning

Garment of Praise    For the Spirit of heaviness

Dancing                    For wailing

Joy                            For sackcloth

Years before my husband died one of my favorite Bible teachers did a series about that great leader Moses. In his final sermon he made the statement that when Moses died  none of God died. That  statement came back to me when I needed it most. When Winston died none of God died. Today, twenty years later I can attest to the fact that I am enjoying life again. God did not die but continues to prove that  He is faithful.  The spirit of heaviness is gone. God continues to bless me. 

                                                                             

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them

                   beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, 

the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. 

Isaiah 61:3

 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed

 my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,  Psalm 30:11

My late Mother Evelyn singing, "All is Well"

https://youtu.be/RxKYVS1gFNc

My late sister Joy Simpson sining

"His Eye is on the Sparrow"

https://youtu.be/mzYL5jCEsAE

Breaking Boundaries- Another Look at the Prayer of Jabez

Just because my mother called me a pain doesn’t mean I have to be one.

There are a few stories in the Bible  that detail parents giving names to their newborns that memorialized  the parents pain at that time.  The Biblical patriarch Jacob had this dilemma. Genesis 35:16 Then they moved on from Bethel. While they were still some distance from Ephrath, Rachel began to give birth and had great difficulty. 17 And as she was having great difficulty in childbirth, the midwife said to her, “Don’t despair, for you have another son.” 18 As she breathed her last—for she was dying—she named her son Ben-Oni.( Son of my trouble) But his father named him Benjamin.(son of my right hand)

Rachel, Jacob’s beloved and favored wife, dying in childbirth named their child with a negative appellation. In his grief Jacob could memorialized her last words in naming the child Ben-Oni.  Thankfully, Jacob had the wisdom to know that Rachel's agony was not to be transferred to his living  baby boy.  Wisely, Jacob decided to say no, that he was not going to call his son that painful name. Instead, Jacob named the baby Benjamin, Son of my right hand. Benjamin had an advocate for not allowing his mother’s pain to be assigned to him for the rest of his life.  Unfortunately, Jabez did not have an spokesman  to persuade his mother to give him a more positive start in life with a different name. 

Jabez's mother introduced him to the world as her pain.  She gave Jabez brothers permission to  tease him.  I can imagine them taunting him by yelling,  “Come here you little pain.” In class the teacher called on him to by saying, “Pain stand up, and answer the question.” No matter where he went, by virtue of his name, he was reminded  that he represented pain.  If you were Jabez how do you think that would shape your emotional well being, mental health, and your world view?

His coming into the world is something over which he had no control, nor does any baby. Jabez was a helpless infant. His mother’s experience is not his experience, yet she labeled him from birth as a child of her misery.  She unabashedly accused him of a fault,  as if he deliberately inflicted pain on her. Jabez could have despaired of life. Here he was a healthy, and intelligent child, but his mother couldn’t see past her short term fleeting pain. 

The fact is for most women all childbirth is painful. It’s the minority of women who don’t feel any pain in labor.  Researchers, at "Cambridge University have discovered that around one in 100 women carry a variation of a gene called KCNG4 that is thought to raise their pain threshold, and act like a ‘natural epidural."

Jabez was being called a pain every day.  Somewhere in his life he must hav been  introduced to God. He began to see God as the God of love and compassion.  Jabez realized that if he allowed his mother’s view of him to engulf his soul he  would have pain his entire lifetime.  Jabez had to do what his mother could not or would not do. He had to seek God’s assistance to see past his mother’s  negative feelings towards him. 

Jabez went to God, his Maker, who was present at his birth, and prayed a sincere simple prayer of only Twenty nine words.(NIV). Jabez  was determined he was not  going to own or embrace his mother’s words. Jabez asked God to free him of his mother’s assessment of him. Jabez asked God to break, as it were, his mother’s curse on him. 

Jabez’s mother set him in a constricted  land called pain. Jabez wanted freedom from that land. Jabez went to God with his request  to be released from his mother’s  narrow view and labeling of him. God heard his prayer and set him free from that which his mother spoke. The boundaries she set for him were lifted, broken and trampled into dust.  God answered Jabez’s short and to the point prayer. 

From Jabez’s story I see  lessons for parents and guardians. Then there are lessons for  adult or young children who have been assigned blame for something over which you have no control.

Here are some Lessons to parents/guardians and others who work with children

        

1. Don’t blame your children for your pain
2. Don’t give negative names or labels to your children.
3. Speak blessings and God’s promises over your children.
4. Do not allow others to speak negatively of your child.
5. Give your child a name that reinforces the child's worth. 

Here are  some lessons for those who have been on the receiving end of painful, negative and condescending messages about your life. 

1. Don’t allow other people  whether parents, teachers or bosses assign you blame for their feelings or their issues
2. Ask God to free you from the narrow boundaries  that others have assigned you.
3. Understand that God has a wonderful plan for your life
4. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “ Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” 

Be like Jabez. Go to God and pray that your life will be freed from pain and the narrow or low expectations for your life. God has a blessing indeed for you. Yes, pray the prayer of Jabez!

1. Oh, that you would bless me.  Acknowledge God is in charge of blessing you
2. Enlarge my territory . Ask God to release you from low expectations or restrictions over how far you will go in life. 
3. Let your hand be with me.  If God is for you who can be against you.  Romans 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
4. Keep me from Harm. Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

God is no respecter of persons. God granted Jabez his request. 

I believe God will grant your prayer too. 

May your life be blessed by God Almighty!

What You Don't See May Hurt You

 

Smoldering is not a term we hear used much anymore.

Early one pre-dawn Saturday morning there was big commotion outside Seattle home in my normally you can hear a pin drop neighborhood. Fire trucks filled the street kitty corner to my house. I went outside to investigate  only to see a home fully involved in flames.  One of the occupants of that flaming inferno stood shivering on the curbside in the frigid nighttime air. 

The bewildered young man  explained that  the he had  awakened from his sleep and barely escaped with his life. You see the fire had already involved the house by the time it had reached his room. All he had left was his night clothes. Everything else was consumed in the flames.

I  asked him to come into my home. I gave him a blanket and some warm woolen work socks. He  refused my offer to stay and disappeared into the pre-dawn darkness. It turned out to be the fruitless efforts to save his house.

Later on I found out the cause of the fire. The night before the young men living there had a party. Unbeknownst to the home’s occupants one of their guests evidently had dropped an unextinguished cigarette in between the couch cushions where it lay smoldering for hours. After the guests were gone and the occupants were safely, they thought, ensconced in their beds, this hidden fire hazard was building up heat and doing its destructive work. All of a sudden, or so it appeared, the couch erupted into a flaming torch and the flames quickly spread to the rest of the wood frame house. The young men were able to jump out of a window to escape the flames. 

What was interesting to me was this hazard was there when they went to bed. The thing they couldn’t see did hurt him. It devastated their lives.  They were  never able to rebuild and subsequently moved out of the neighborhood.

Sometimes we have smoldering issues in our lives. Bitterness can be a smoldering issue. It lies hidden in the folds of our minds. Every now and then we smell the smoke but can't determine from where its coming its been there so long. When anyone touches on this smoldering issue we can erupt in uncontrolled anger. Unforgiveness is like that. It can carve out a place for itself. Maybe some one disappointed us. We've made it a mission to make sure to not forgive the person. In fact I heard of two church members who would not speak to each other. When questioned,  the one woman said its been so long ago that she had  forgotten why she was angry.  She just let this anger smolder for years. You see what she couldn't see or even remember was hurting her relationship with her one time friend.

I don't know about you, but I am going to investigate my life to see if there are any issues in the hidden folds of my mind and heart. I don't want to have some explosion to happen in my life to ruin a friendship or relationship.  How about you? 

Domestic Violence

Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they

were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. Then the

LORD said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know,” he

replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Genesis 4: 8-9

The Bible records the first horrific act of family violence in the story of Cain

killing his brother Abel. God saw the anger that Cain was mistakenly

harbouring towards Abel and God talked with Cain. God told Cain that he

had an opportunity to correct his mistake. Consumed by jealousy he

refused to change. Cain continued to make Abel the target of his wrath.

Cain chose rage over reason. He overpowered and killed his unsuspecting

and innocent brother.

Everything in creation was affected by Cain’s solitary action. Cain’s

violence brought death to Abel, the disapproval of God, grief to the parents

and a disillusioned life of hardship to himself. Even the earth found itself an

unwilling participant as it was forced to receive Abel’s blood.

Family violence has never been a confidential matter between the abuser

and the abused. It disrupts life on so many levels and causes physical,

mental, emotional and social pain to everyone. The injured party is no

longer able to contribute to society as a fully functional member offering her

/ his gifts to a world that needs them. Family violence causes emotional

wounds to those who may not be the direct focus of aggression, but are still

exposed to a violent environment. Family violence mentally impairs the

perpetrator, who drowns out the voices of God, wisdom, and reason to not inflict pain

on another human being. Family violence stamps out potential for future

generations as it did to Abel. Family violence is usually carried out in secret

and private behind closed doors, but it does not remain in one place.

How do we stop these insidious actions? Educate! We do so by shining

light on this topic. Educate the survivors that they are just that, a prey of

someone else’s unacceptable behaviour, not a cause of it. Abel was not the

cause of Cain’s behaviour. Cain’s irrational jealousy and anger towards

Abel was of his own making. Educate the perpetrator that he/she has a

choice to consider the other as a person with dignity more than as an

object of abuse. In essence, God told Cain that he was responsible for his

own behaviour and could change the outcome of his life.

Educate the community that family violence affects everyone, not just the

persons being abused. The effects of family violence touch everyone

because each person brings unique talents to a community and is not able

to do so when cowering in fear and hiding. Educate the community that we

all have a responsibility to acknowledge the fact that family violence takes

place in every community regardless of socioeconomic standing. Educate

our young children that they are worthy human beings who do not deserve

to be abused. Educate them to take responsibility for their actions not to

harm others in actions or words. Educate our lawmakers that family

violence damages all aspects of our community. The abusers must feel the

weight of justice. As God demanded Cain to take responsibility for his

actions, so we, as a society, must hold each other accountable for how we

respond to those who are survivors of family violence.

Walking Through Grief

March seventh will forever be etched in my heart.  It is the date that my beloved husband Winston Newton Sr. transitioned to the next life. There were no goodbyes or forewarning that he was going.  There were no frantic calls for help. He went as peaceably as he lived, quietly and without fanfare.  The sudden knowledge  that we would not see him anymore was traumatic to my family, friends, neighbors and me.

My world was turned upside down.  Through the last nineteen years I learned many lessons about walking through grief. I  would like to share a dozen lessons gleaned from my walk through the valley of sorrow.

Lessons Learned

1.   Don't try to have the life you used to have. Move forward creating new 

      life as you go.

2.   Weep but keep walking. Grief will come. It takes time to heal.

3.   Don't go to that hopeless place. if you find yourself there get out, God's mercy 

      is new each day.

4.   Accept your friends’ help 

5.   Eat 

6.   Sleep

7.   Don’t try to fill the void with shopping and other things.  

8.   Don’t go into debt.  Connected to number 7

9.   Learn to be alone. 

10. Get comfortable with the discomfort. 

11. Learn to accept that my life is never going to be the same and that’s okay.

12. If necessary get  counseling, or join a grief group

  

What Does the Oregon Trail Have to Do with 2021?

 When the U.S.A. was  a young nation opportunities arose to move west and start new lives.  One  of the most popular ways to do so was to use  the 2,170 miles route known as The Oregon Trail.  Traveling the trail was a revelation to the pioneers. When they started on the journey they were laden with overburdened  Conestoga wagons, Prairie  Schooners or carts pulled by oxen, mules or horses.   A family's worldly goods, which included items such as a piano,  wooden bedroom furniture, mattresses, stove, tools, hundreds of pounds of food, along with pots and pans accompanied them as they set out to go west. 

Buoyed by faith, hope  and adventure they started off easily from Independence, Missouri to Oregon's Willamette Valley.  As they journeyed west  things became more difficult as they encountered mountains and swift rivers or streams.  When their heavily laden carts started up these summits these conveyances became  almost impossible for even the sturdiest animals to pull. People started to discard items to lighten the load. The heavy ornate beautiful  piano may have been the first to go. It was not needed for life. Sure it was nice to have, but unnecessary. 

Grandma’s heavy walnut dresser might have been next to be abandoned. One could put clothes on a nail if need be. The goal was to make it over the mountain or to ford a river. The wagons must be lightened if they were were going to be able to complete the trip.  Eventually the trail was littered with cast off worldly goods. These cast-off goods  became a stream of revenue for some enterprising folk. Some things had to be sacrificed in order to reach their new homes. 

We’ve weathered 2020.  Many started last year burdened by heavy appointments, deadlines, crowding on trains, planes, congested highways and rushing children from one activity to another.  As we traversed up and down 2020’s trail we learned there were things without which we didn’t know we could live. We’re still breathing without having attended a sports game.  Church became a virtual experience which allowed us to attend  any where we chose from around the world. Visits to museums ceased, but we learned new ways to satisfy our curiosity. Thank God we live in the internet age.  Gyms, and salon services closed down. We had to  exercise at home and shampoo our own hair. Birthday parties, graduations all came to a screeching halt. The term drive-by became associated with joy and not death.  We found that what we thought were essentials were actually extras, luxury items not needed to sustain life.

Restaurants closed,  but we still had to eat. Therefore many people learned to cook and bake.  Those jobs we ignored such as grocery workers, truck drivers fire and police  were suddenly essential to our well being. 

We found out that school and colleges could go on, with innovation and for some with difficulty, at home. Even flying here and there to  attend a conference or attending a concert could be expedited using differing computer platforms. In order to give ourselves a fighting chance we had to make choices and deem what was really essential to live a productive and decent life.

Like the pioneers before us let’s make sure that what we are carrying into 2021 are necessaries and essentials so we can not just make it but thrive in this New Year.  We still have mountains to climb in 2021, but  like the pioneers on the Oregon Trail, we have a better idea of what’s necessary to make the trip. Keep the Faith! Share love and kindness!  Happy New Year to all of my Family and Friends.